My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I intend to get homeless drunk
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
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