didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
As shirtless as possible
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
We're using joints as your birthday candles
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
