I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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