He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
