I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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