Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
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