good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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