Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
we should paint friendship bongs
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
