i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
