I can feel you judging me through the phone.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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