I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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