Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
