How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
