I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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