Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
