I showed him my bush... on skype.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
