My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
