I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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