i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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