let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
