god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
