after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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