Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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