i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
