her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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