got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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