The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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