someone get that fucking seahorse.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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