I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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