i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Randomize
