Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
