my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
