took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
