Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
