Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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