I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
