I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
All I want is dick and wine.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize