He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
