Do you still have your period?
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
