maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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