I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
