god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
