I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
