Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
