He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
You may now shotgun with the bride
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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