I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
