My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
You ate ashes out of my bong
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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