Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
