Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
