im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
