What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
