I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
