Four minutes until I can fart!
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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