I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
