i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
