WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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