Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
