Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
